Attitude as an Antecedent
Lessons With L: Entry 2
Lessons With L is a series of reflections on how my son is teaching me, a behavior analyst, what behavior strategies work best for him. I aim to share entries frequently as I learn to adapt my knowledge to support his individual needs as he grows up.
I once saw a quote that said something like this: “The child is truly the best teacher in parenthood.” It’s such a good reminder that every child is different, and each will communicate what they need from you in one way or another. Every day, L shows me that he’s the real expert in what works for him. It’s my job to take notice and respond appropriately, setting up an environment that’s conducive to his learning and development.
The biggest and most important lesson my son has taught me as a behavior analyst (and new mom) to date is how truly significant it is to adjust my attitude when I’m in the thick of high-stress situations with him. By high stress, I mean not only the times that he cries in distress, but times when he’s scream-crying his little head off, exhausting his little lungs in the process 🥺.
Having my son has given me a much more compassionate lens for the parents I support professionally. Though we don’t face the same challenges, stress, overwhelm, frustration, and fatigue are very real and universal barriers to parenting. As a professional, I believe we need to address the needs of the parent first before focusing on the child. If we’re not in the right headspace, it’s harder to be the support our kids need.
The Three-Term Contingency
In behavior analysis, the three-term contingency helps us break down behavior:
1. Antecedent: What happened before the behavior?
2. Behavior: What did it look like?
3. Consequence: What happened after?
Breaking down behaviors in this way makes it a little easier to identify next steps for shaping meaningful outcomes. We know that what happens in the antecedent contingency sets the stage for behavior, and what happens in the consequence contingency determines whether the behavior is more or less likely to occur again.
For over a decade, I’ve partnered with parents to navigate their children’s behavioral challenges. One thing that I came to find surprises many parents is this: the key to improving a child’s behavior often lies in first understanding and reshaping their own.
Let’s break down an example:
Johnny’s Behavior
• A: Johnny is playing independently.
• B: Johnny hits Mom repeatedly.
• C: Mom yells, “Johnny, we don’t hit!”
From Johnny’s perspective, he’s learned that hitting is an effective way to get Mom’s attention. He is likely to test this method again later to determine if the behavior continues to serve its purpose. I like to think of kids as little experimenters, always testing and learning how the world around them works!
Now, let’s look at Mom’s behavior:
Mom’s Behavior
• A: Johnny hits Mom repeatedly.
• B: Mom yells, “Johnny, we don’t hit!”
• C: Johnny smiles and stops hitting.
From Mom’s perspective, her yelling worked! She thinks that her behavior served its purpose: to escape or stop the hitting. Mom might learn that next time this happens, she can rely on Johnny to follow her instruction or respond to her yelling. But what Mom doesn’t realize is that her response is actually reinforcing Johnny’s behavior because he’s learned that his behavior serves his purpose.
Setting Events: The Bigger Picture
Now, let’s take a step back and look at Mom’s day as a whole. She’s been home all day with Johnny and his baby sister. She’s overstimulated from the constant crying and being pulled in different directions. She barely had a bite to eat before cleaning up a potty accident, only to address a meltdown shortly after. She’s anxious about how the rest of the day will go because she has a lengthy to-do list she’s eager to finish.
Finally, she lays the baby down for a nap, sets Johnny up with an independent activity, and starts folding laundry. By the time Johnny hits her, Mom’s running on fumes and yells in response—not because she’s a bad parent, but because she’s tired, hungry, and overwhelmed.
In behavior analysis, all these extraneous variables—being overstimulated, hungry, tired, and anxious—are called setting events. They don’t directly cause behavior but influence how likely a certain response will play out.
I could share strategies to address Johnny’s hitting, but that wouldn’t be enough. Without addressing Mom’s needs, we’d likely see little to no progress.
Learning Histories
Behavior analysis also teaches us to examine our learning histories—the experiences that shape why we do what we do.
I grew up in a household where yelling was modeled as an appropriate way to express frustration, while emotional regulation strategies were nonexistent. This learned behavior seeped into my adult life, becoming a knee-jerk reaction to situations that made me feel like my nervous system was under direct attack. Those of you who know me professionally might be surprised by this, but I’ve only gotten good at making sure that yelling only happens in my personal life. I am working on it—you know you need something to change when you’re yelling “GO TO SLEEP” at a crying 8 month old at 3:00 in the morning (not my proudest moment).
Read ACT + PPA if you want to learn how I’m learning to manage my anxiety over sleep with the science of behavior.
Rewriting the Antecedent
In addition to implementing ACT strategies, one thing I’ve noticed is how impactful it is to change my mindset during the antecedent contingency.
Before entering L’s room to tend to him after having done so maybe 4 times before even getting an hour of sleep myself, I would notice how irritable and annoyed I’d get and how eager I’d be to get out of there and return to my bed as soon as possible. But recently as I was consuming some parenting media (forgive me, I don’t remember whether it was from a fellow Substacker or not), I became inspired. Another mom who shared my struggle wrote that she would always tell her baby that she was happy to see him when she entered his room for every night wake, which set the tone for her to provide the support her baby needed. I tried this approach and began telling L the same thing during each night wake. “Hi baby, I’m happy to see you.” Immediately, I noticed that I was in a better headspace to be present for my son, each and every time. Going to tend to my son became less of a battle and more of an opportunity to connect with him.
Final Thoughts
I share this to emphasize how important it is for parents to understand the power of the antecedent. By considering our learning histories, addressing setting events, and making even the smallest of shifts to shape our behavior, we can better support our kids.
This message is as much for fellow parents as it is for the professionals supporting them. Assess attitude, adjust as needed, and give grace. We’re all learning.
Disclaimer:
The example provided in the 3-term contingency explanation above is just that, an example.
Every child is unique, and their responses to strategies may vary. The approaches outlined are intended to provide general guidance and may not work for every child or situation. It’s important to observe your child’s individual needs and preferences and adjust strategies accordingly.
Additionally, frequent or unexpected behaviors may sometimes be related to underlying medical conditions. Before implementing behavioral supports, consult with a pediatrician or healthcare provider to rule out medical issues such as pain, illness, or developmental concerns.
These strategies are not a substitute for individualized professional medical or behavioral advice. If challenges persist, consider seeking support from a behavior analyst (that’s me!), therapist, or other qualified professional.
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