The holiday season often brings a whirlwind of traditions, family gatherings, and societal, and even cultural expectations. While this time of the year can be heartwarming, it may also perpetuate patterns of inauthentic communication and behaviors, or compel us to prioritize others’ expectations over our own needs and values—leading to anything but a jolly ol’ time for some.
Recognizing Generational Patterns and Cultural Norms
Generational patterns and cultural norms like passive-aggressive communication and people-pleasing behaviors can be deeply ingrained in our learning histories, reinforced by the environments of our upbringing. Being aware of these behaviors and how they affect the quality of our relationships is so important, especially if your goal is to break behavioral patterns you don’t wish your own children to adopt.
Recognizing this is the first step. By becoming aware of these inherited behaviors, we can make the conscious choice to work on engaging in alternatives to break the cycle and establish more authentic ways of interacting with others.
It’s important to acknowledge that in some cultures like my own (I’m Filipino-American), things like avoiding direct confrontation is a deeply rooted norm. In such contexts, indirect communication and conflict avoidance are commonly seen to maintain harmony (or to “keep the peace” as some Filipinos so lovingly put it) and show respect, as to not disrupt the equilibrium by speaking up for oneself. Filipinos are known to have a collective mindset due to times of colonialism, and behaviors that might make one stand out against the majority are seldom celebrated. Understanding these cultural nuances can help us navigate family interactions more emphatically, recognizing that behaviors like not addressing conflicts directly may stem from a lack of skill in appropriate replacement behaviors rather than that of pure intention (or how behavior analysts would lovingly put it, a “can’t do” skill rather than a “won’t do” skill). I share this because for many of us, these interactions with family members during the holidays can be cause for a stressful time and may call for some analysis.
Appropriate Replacements
You can teach an old dog new tricks, but doing so means the learner will have to buy in to unlearn what is already so deeply ingrained, and let’s face it, Grandma and Grandpa aren’t exactly lining up to learn how to change their old ways. So, we learn to accept and don’t expect to control the behaviors of others. However, we are in control of our own. Let’s take communication again as an example. Authentic communication involves expressing our thoughts and feelings openly and respectfully, without resorting to indirect or passive-aggressive behaviors. For instance, if Grandma makes a comment that feels dismissive, instead of responding with a sarcastic remark or harboring resentment, consider addressing the comment directly yet kindly. While some cultures may not appreciate the direct communication, taking this approach not only allows you to clarify misunderstandings but also sets a precedent for honest interactions. By doing this you are also showing others what kind of communication you will reinforce versus not.
You Don’t Have to Force Yourself to Participate
Reflect on the activities and traditions you uphold during the holidays. Are they aligned with your current values and the well-being of your immediate family? It’s okay to let go of practices that no longer serve you and to create new ones that resonate more deeply with your family’s needs and desires. Starting your own traditions can be a meaningful way to honor your values and foster a sense of belonging and joy this time of the year. For example, growing up we’d have two gift exchanges in my family—one for Christmas and again for New Year’s. For my own child I’d only like to hold one to place less emphasis on the value of material possessions. We would also celebrate Noche Buena, a large feast and gathering held the midnight leading into Christmas Day. For my own child I’d like to wait until daytime to commence celebrations, to place emphasis on the value of rest.
Additionally, setting boundaries is crucial, especially now when expectations with loved ones run high. If attending a large family gathering isn’t feasible due to your child’s needs or personal health concerns, it’s important to communicate this decision assertively and without guilt. For example, if you decide to leave a family event early or to not attend altogether because your child needs rest, or maybe you intend on limiting interaction with extended family for your own mental health, clearly assert your decision. While some may initially react with disappointment, and Aunt Karen may mutter a rude comment or two under her breath, maintaining your boundaries reinforces your commitment to your family’s well-being. It’s not your job to prioritize the expectations of others in this season, or in any season at all.
Modeling Behaviors for Our Children
Our kids observe and internalize what we say and do, using our words and behaviors as templates for their own interactions. By modeling authentic communication, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritizing our values, we teach our children to do the same. For instance, if we handle conflicts with calmness and honesty, our children are more likely to adopt these approaches later in their own lives with their own relationships. We then set the example to always pursue autonomy and be empowered in being able to make choices based on what’s important to them instead of making choices to please others.
Let’s Be Proactive This Holiday Season
If reading this is stressing you out, don’t fret. I’ll guide you in the following text before you stumble into your holiday festivities without a plan:
1. Identify Your Values: Reflect on what truly matters to you during the holiday season. Family connection, health, authenticity, and generosity are some examples.
2. Recognize Internal Experiences: Acknowledge any thoughts or feelings that arise during holiday activities, such as stress, joy, anxiety, or nostalgia.
3. Observe Your Behaviors: Note the actions you take in response to these internal experiences. For example, do you agree to attend every event despite feeling overwhelmed?
4. Assess Alignment: Determine whether your actions are Toward Moves (aligning with your values) or Away Moves (diverging from your values). For instance, attending a family gathering out of obligation may be an Away Move if it leads to resentment, whereas choosing to spend a quiet evening with immediate family to foster deeper connections may be a Toward Move.
5. Identify Away Moves: Recognize behaviors that steer you away from your values. For example, attending events out of obligation, even when they cause stress, may be an away move. Are you attending because you want to or because it’s expected?
6. Make Conscious Choices: Use this awareness to make intentional decisions that align with your values. Opt for activities and interactions that bring you closer to what you value, fostering a more authentic and fulfilling holiday experience.
By reflecting and keeping these things in mind you can navigate the holiday season with greater self-awareness, purpose, and joy, ensuring that your actions reflect what matters to you most— all while being the best role model you can be for your kids.
What are your values and Toward and Away Moves? Share in the comments and have a wonderful holiday season! 🫶
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Thank you for mentioning the cultural impact of addressing conflict. It’s a topic very close to my heart.
Thank you for such accurate post, Zandra. It looks like my own family is setting up boundaries this xmas, feels like conflicts are flying around. Hopefully we will avoid some toxic behaviours of our extended family from now on. It is difficult, even if my (our) boundaries are clear. Others simply don’t get it but I cannot stand it anymore, especially for our child.